I'm No Adonis
by Rudegirl0403
Summary: 3/4 of the Marauders have come up with a little contest that leaves Remus utterly mortified. Or thereabouts. Drabble that's probably complete shite. I'm only posting this because i folded to peer pressure. Blame emmaeuae. No flames please. T because i'm paranoid. Title's shite as well.


**No flames please. **

It was around 10:00pm and the Gryffindor common room was peacefully quiet. Only a couple of the older years were still down there, catching up on homework or studying for OWLs or NEWTs. Suddenly, an oddly rumpled Remus hurriedly stumbled down the stairs that led to the boy's dormitory, catching the common room's attention. His belt was undone and his school shirt looked hastily thrown on as it was halfway unbuttoned. His hair was also in uncommon disarray. He clumsily fell to the floor and scooted backwards away from the steps staring at them with something akin to horror.

"Remus," Lily voiced, looking startled. "Are you okay? What happened?" Remus completely ignored her questions and continued staring. He stayed like that for a few moments.

"I'm not some kind of Adonis, right?" he asked, catching everyone off guard, despite his quiet tone. Remus was probably the most modest boy in Hogwarts so hearing this was quite a surprise.

"Er, you're good-looking Rem, but I wouldn't go that far." Lily said and there were murmurs of agreement from around them. "Remus, what happened up there?" Remus finally turned to her but quickly turned back to the stairs. A blush was forcing its way up his cheek bones. He cleared his throat.

"My friends just tried to watch me undress." He said in an even quieter voice than before. There was a pause that was filled with silence, and then…

"WHAT?!" Lily screeched. Remus and half the people in the common room flinched. Just then, there was the sound of feet pounding on the boy's dormitory stairs. Sirius, James, and Peter appeared with sheepish expressions on their faces. Upon seeing Remus, they all started talking at once.

"We were just trying to—"

"It was all Sirius's idea—"

"I didn't even want to—"

Remus stared at them, as well as the entire common room, not understanding a word they were saying. Lily's eye twitched. Honestly, these boys were going to be the death of her.

"QUIET!" she yelled and they all shut up, Peter biting his tongue in the process. She cast them a stern glare that told them she wanted no funny business.

"Now," she started, fake cheeriness in her tone. "I want one of, only one, to explain what's going on here." Sirius cleared his throat.

"Well, we had this idea that we would compare our..."he coughed awkwardly, "manhood, with each other, to see who was the biggest/longest and all that." The girls in the room blushed profusely while the boys nodded like they'd thought of it before. "We knew that Moony wouldn't participate in that sort of thing so we decided to get his…results, a different way." Sirius cast Remus an apologetic look. "It wasn't a prank or anything. Plus, we were mildly curious." Sirius finished.

"_You_ were mildly curious." James cut in. Sirius sent him a look that said he didn't believe him.

"So you did all this," Remus said, "because you wanted to know how big I was?" There was incredulity creeping into his voice. The three boys nodded. He stared at them and then did something that shocked them all. He started laughing. _Really_ laughing. Like, hold-your-stomach-in-pain kind of laughing. The three Marauders glanced at each other then started laughing weakly.

"Um, Moony, I'm not sure what so funny." Peter spoke up. Remus stopped laughing and whipped tears of mirth from his eyes.

"You do know there's a spell for that kind of thing, right?" They sent him blank looks. "Obviously not. It gives you all measurements on a person's outer body. Anyways, that doesn't matter, I'll just tell you." The common room stared at him in surprise.

"You will?" Sirius asked. Remus shrugged.

"If it gets this insanity over with, then yes." Sirius, James, and Peter glanced at each other again before nodded. Remus stood up and dusted himself off then walked over to the three and whispered something to them. He smiled at their shocked looks before bidding farewell to the common room and heading back up the stairs. There was a moment of silence before James broke it.

"There is no way he is bigger than me!" he cried before storming after Remus. The other two followed him. Lily just sighed and went back to reviewing potions with Alice. Sometimes she could never understand what went through the Marauder's heads.

**Yeah. I told you it was shite...flustered Remus is cute though.**


End file.
